Friday, June 30, 2006
I love Wolverine, but I so wanted a Dr. Richard Kimble vs. Han Solo matchup in the first round of the Gallant regional. Now, that would have rocked hard.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
LEGACY REGION FINAL
#1 Optimus Prime vs. #3 The Tick
The Hook: Robot capable of turning into a truck meets up with superhero who's about as dense as one.
Upset Watch: Prime has been unstoppable on his journey to the regional final. The Tick has also been brilliant, upsetting Achilles last round to make it where he is.
Surreal Sight of the Match: The Tick held Optimus Prime (in truck mode, mind you) up over his head, throwing him about six football fields away.
Prime's Best Blow: Running over The Tick in truck mode, and then backing over him before transforming into robot form and delivering a mean leg drop.
The Tick's Best Blow: Offering Prime a free oil change while in truck mode.
It was over when...The Tick delivered a massive dropkick to Prime's chest, shaking loose the Matrix of Leadership and Bill Belichick's championship rings (you'll get that only if you've been following the tournament from the beginning).
Quote of the Vanquished: "I have failed the Autobots."
Quote of the Victor: "Spooooooooooon, uh, dastardly robot truck!"
Final Analysis: THE TICK MAKES THE FINAL FOUR
DYNAMIC REGION FINAL
#1 Predator vs. #7 Mario
The Hook: Free-spirited Italian plumber with knack for finding hidden warp tunnels looks for upset against warped hunter who just likes to stay hidden.
Upset Watch: Mario will need the combined might of fireflowers, mushrooms, and P-wings in order to win this one. Stranger things have happened.
Surreal Sight of the Match: Without a doubt, it had to be when raccoon-tailed Mario artfully dodged several slashing attacks by his unseen foe. To the untrained eye, it looked as if he was just erupting into mid-air spasms.
Predator's Best Blow: Trimming off Mario's raccoon tail, forcing the plumber to fight like a man.
Mario's Best Blow: Hopping on Predator's head, forcing the camouflage to malfunction, and making Predator to fight like a, um, man?
It was over when...Mario fireballed the shit out of Predator after finding a conveniently placed fireflower.
Quote of the Vanquished: (SIZZLE)
Quote of the Victor: "Bring on Bowser, bitches!"
Final Analysis: MARIO HOPS INTO THE FINAL FOUR
MIGHTY REGION FINAL
#4 Megatron vs. #7 He-Man
The Hook: Two combatants with strange duel identities (Megatron/Galvatron and Prince Adam/He-Man) and a penchant for long monologues charge into battle to face one another in a thrilling regional final match.
Upset Watch: He-Man has been absolutely amazing so far, picking off some tough competitors , including Magneto and Peyton Manning.
Surreal Sight of the Match: It had to be when Megatron transformed into a handgun, which He-Man then proceeded to stomp on.
Megatron's Best Blow: Blowing the absolute crap out of He-Man with his arm-mounted cannon.
He-Man's Best Blow: Shoving the Power Sword right up aforementioned arm-mounted cannon, rendering it useless.
It was over when...Cringer distracted Megatron long enough for He-Man to use his Power Sword to cut off the Decepticon leader's head. A violent end to an epic struggle, for sure.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Damn you StarScream!"
Quote of the Victor: "Try messing with someone your own size, metal man. And this isn't a time to lose one's head. I'd say you're ahead of the competition..."
Final Analysis: HE-MAN POWERS HIS WAY INTO THE FINAL FOUR.
GALLANT REGION FINAL
#1 Wolverine vs. #11 Cap'n Crunch
The Hook: Mutant thrasher with reputation for gutting opponents puts it all on the line against cereal mascot with potent Crunch Berry Power.
Upset Watch: A #11 seed in the Final Four? Can it be done!? Read on...
Surreal Sight of the Match: It had to be when Wolverine repeatedly slashed his way through a seemingly endless mass of Crunch Berries.
Wolverine's Best Blow: Slicing the Cap'n Crunch's hat and mustache off without leaving a mark.
Cap'n Crunch's Best Blow: Repeatedly jumping up and punching Wolverine after temporarily getting him stuck in Peanut Butter Crunch.
It was over when...Wolverine stopped playing nice, holding the Cap'n under the Sea of Milk until he stopped struggling.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You'll never..." (GURGLE)
Quote of the Victor: "Look's like you're soggy, bub."
Final Analysis: WOLVERINE ADVANCES TO FINAL FOUR.
Final Four Pairings:
#3 Tick vs. #7 He-Man
#1 Wolverine vs. #7 Mario
FIRST FINAL FOUR MATCH
#3 Tick (Winner, Legacy Region) vs. #7 He-Man (Winner, Mighty Region)
The Tick's Road to the Final Four: #14 The Joker, #11 Batman, #2 Achilles, #1 Optimus Prime
He-Man's Road to the Final Four: #10 Dolph Lundgren, #2 Magneto, #3 Peyton Manning, #4 Megatron
The Hook: Both competitors beat really tough opponents last round who also happen to be building-sized robots. Should be interesting to see them pound away at each other.
Surreal Sight of the Match: Seeing The Tick put He-Man in a sleeper hold was really something else.
He-Man's Best Blow: Delivering a mighty Power Sword blow to The Tick's left arm, proving just how "nigh" nigh-invulnerable really is.
The Tick's Best Blow: Snapping the Power Sword over his knee as one might a baseball bat after striking out.
It was over when...He-Man, desperate for a momentum-changing move, grabbed hold of The Tick's antennae, ripping them off. The disoriented superhero was easy to finish off.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Arthur? Where's Arthur!?"
Quote of the Victor: "It's a shame we're at odds, brave blue avenger. If you're ever in Eternia, look me up."
HE-MAN ADVANCES TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
SECOND FINAL FOUR MATCH
#1 Wolverine (Winner, Gallant Region) vs. #7 Mario (Winner, Dynamic Region)
Wolverine's Road to the Final Four: #16 Dr. Richard Kimble, #8 Han Solo, #13 Human Torch, #11 Cap'n Crunch
Mario's Road to the Final Four: #10 Count Dooku, #2 Terminator, #6 Christopher Walken, #1 Predator
The Hook: Pure mutant rage against underdog videogame mascot who's been pesky throughout the Fighting Ultimate Championship Knockout.
Surreal Sight of the Match: Wolverine's yellow tights against Mario's trademark plumbing attire.
Wolverine's Best Blow: Tossing Super Mario around like a ragdoll into a wall, forcing him to shrink back into his smaller self.
Mario's Best Blow: Stomping Wolverine repeatedly after acquiring a mushroom.
It was over when...Mario stomped right onto Wolverine's claws, causing him to curl up and fall through the ground while the "Death Music" from the original NES Super Mario Bros. game played.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Where's Princess Toadstool? Shouldn't I be facing Bowser?"
Quote of the Victory: "Bill me later, plumber boy."
WOLVERINE ADVANCES TO CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
#1 Wolverine vs. #7 He-Man
Analysis: Some believe Wolverine's ferocious skills were wasted on inferior competition. And the analysts have a point: he beat three double-digit seeds and an eighth seed to make the finals. He-Man, on the other hand, is on fire, having defeated stiff competition throughout the tournament.
The Hook: Two well-muscled men tussle in the final match of this insipid tournament. Wolverine's mercurial temper gets ready to go beserk on a patient He-Man who's willing to do whatever it takes.
Surreal Sight of the Match: Sparks fly as the Power Sword meets adamantium claws.
Wolverine's Best Blow: Taunting He-Man mercilessly about the fact Hugh Jackman was much better as a big screen Wolverine than Dolph Lundgren was as He-Man.
He-Man's Best Blow: Taunting Wolverine about having so much trouble with a cereal box mascot the round before.
It was over when...Wolverine accidentally ripped off his opponent's "underwear," revealing once and for all why He-Man's the "Most Powerful Man in the Universe."
Quote of the Vanquished: "Try wearing some clothes next time."
Quote of the Victor: "By the Power of Grayskull...I am...the WINNER!"
I would like to thank everyone who followed this tournament from the very beginning. I had grander visions of how to do it, but life got in the way.
Also, I'd like to add that these matchups were randomly generated by me. The results of the matches were determined solely by a series of coin flips (#1 seeds were given automatic first-round wins, along with #2 seeds). That's all there was too it; I would never seriously consider that Cap'n Crunch would make it nearly to the Final Four!!!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
LEGACY REGION: #1 Optimus Prime vs. #3 The Tick
DYNAMIC REGION: #1 Predator vs. #7 Mario
GALLANT REGION: #1 Wolverine vs. #11 Cap'n Crunch
MIGHTY REGION: #4 Megatron vs. #7 He-Man
Schedule for next week as follows:
Monday: Prime vs. Tick, and Predator vs. Mario
Tuesday: Wolverine vs. Cap'n Crunch, and Megatron vs. He-Man
Wednesday: Final Four Preview
Thursday: Final Four Matches
Friday: Championship Game and Recap
Site: Fortress of Solitude
Recap: #1 Wolverine vs. #13 Human Torch
The Hook: Wooly-haired mutant with red-hot temperament looks to clean his claws against another Marvel who really knows how to turn up the heat.
Upset Watch: In any other environment, this would be a fantastic match. However, the cold, inner chambers of the Fotress of Solitude provide a severe impairment for Johnny Storm.
It was over when...the Human Torch set off a giant image of Marlon Brando. Unbeknowst to him, and now knowst to us, the hologram couldn't actually eat him, but this didn't stop Wolverine from laying right into his foe.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I didn't know The Godfather really was Superman's father!"
Quote of the Victor: "Peep show's over, bub. Try gettin' your flame on now!"
MIGHTY REGION, Round Three
Site: Gillette Stadium
Recap: #1 Chuck Norris vs. Megatron
The Hook: Immortal action hero lets it all hang out against immoral Decepticon leader.
Upset Watch: Megatron's going to need to make sure he's bringing his A-game today. Chuck Norris is, after all, Chuck Norris.
It was over when...Megatron completely cheated by setting up an elaborate scheme to destroy the earth. Chuck Norris foiled the plot, saving every human being on the planet, but missed his assigned match time. The Fighting Ultimate Championship Knockout Board lost Norris' formal complaint, thus the immortal hero was done in by a technicality.
Quote of the Vanquished: "What do you mean there's no time left? I just saved this godforsaken planet for the third time this week. And it's only Thursday."
Quote of the Victor: "You human creatures fascinate me with your devotion to noble stupidity."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
GALLANT REGION, Round Three
Site: Fortress of Solitude
Recap: #7 Jim Harbaugh vs. #11 Cap'n Crunch
The Hook: The ultimate battle between two men with pseudo-military backgrounds. Only one will survive.
Upset Watch: Cap'n Crunch has absolutely stunned the field so far, including improbable wins against Spider-Man and Luke Skywalker. Can he do it again?
It was over when...Cap'n Crunch's barrage of crunch berries reminded Captain Comeback of a blitz during the last year of his tenure with the Colts. As usual, he went scrambling for dear life, getting sacked in the process.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I thought Jason Gildon retired years ago!"
Quote of the Victor: "Where's your military commission? Impersonating an officer is a very serious offense!"
MIGHTY REGION, Round Three
Site: Gillette Stadium
Recap: #3 Peyton Manning vs. #7 He-Man
The Hook: The super-Manning who's been surprisingly lethal thus far matches wits against superhuman from Eternia capable of putting the hurt on bigger seeds.
Upset Watch: He-Man toppled #2 Magneto just last week...but the pride of Sports Nation looks unstoppable.
It was over when...Peyton realized it was actually a meaningful contest (yes, yes, trust me that hurt me more than it hurt you), regressing into "Postseason Foxboro Peyton," an evil apparition with a taste for haunting the otherwise terrific QB.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Well, I'll just have to take a look at the film. There's always that question, when are you gonna win the big one, and until I do, you know, I'll have to keep hearing it."
Quote of the Victor: "I deemed you a worthy opponent before you started fumbling all over the place."
DYNAMIC REGION, Round Three
Recap: #1 Optimus Prime vs. #5 The Hulk
The Hook: Cybertron's greatest hero puts the Matrix of Leadership on the line against Earth's greatest and greenest Gamma Ray-powered mutant.
Upset Watch: The Hulk had success last round against another ARC Division foe, so this could be a compelling matchup.
It was over when...Optimus Prime got tired of trading blows, resorting to the new tactic of transforming into a rocket-powered semi truck capable of smashing the Hulk flat.
Quote of the Vanquished: SPLAT!
Quote of the Victor: "Was Soylent Green made out of people? If that splotch on the ground is any indication, it's available in liquid form, too."
DYNAMIC REGION, Round Three
Site: Minas Tirith
Recap: #1 Predator vs. #4 Flint
The Hook: The number-one baddie in the Dynamic Region takes on the number-two man at G.I. Joe. Remember, Flint's number one in our hearts, always.
Upset Watch: The Predator has shown no signs of weakness, despite a relatively tough challenge last round against Aragorn. Of course, that lasted just a couple of minutes.
It was over when...the Predator stole Flint's beret, robbing him of the truce source of his power. The unfortunate chief warrant officer's head was placed next to other fallen victims.
Quote of the Vanquished: "All right, you invisible sack of meat. Show your face so I can punch it!"
Quote of the Victor: RUSTLE...SLICE...THUD!
Monday, June 19, 2006
LEGACY REGION, Round Three
Recap: #2 Achilles vs. #3 The Tick
The Hook: Mythical hero with weak heel and epic rage goes for the knockout against Mighty Blue Avenger of Justice with reputation for delivering epic amounts of pain.
Upset Watch: The Tick is seeded lower in this particular matchup, but there's no doubt he's able to bring the pain. The question is whether or not he finds the right spot. After all, Achilles is nearly as nigh-invulnerable as the Tick...unless you know where to look.
It was over when...the Tick rolled the Daily Planet globe right at Achilles' feet, bringing down the epic hero by exposing his physical tragic flaw (as opposed to his tragic character flaw of pride).
Quote of the Vanquished: "Giant blue warrior, you have beaten the mighty Achilles. May the gods curse you."
Quote of the Victor: "Loin-clothed gladiator, your pride is your undoing. Haven't you ever seen an after school special? Be nice to people, man. Just try it!"
DYNAMIC REGION, Round Three
Site: Minas Tirith
Recap: #6 Christopher Walken vs. #7 Mario
The Hook: Academy Award-winnner with reputation for playing quirky characters takes on Italian plumber who serves as mascot for quirky videogame company.
Upset Watch: Walken is a slight favorite here, but the pride of the Mushroom Kingdom hasn't gotten this far on luck alone (except for that cheap warp trick against the Terminator).
It was over when...Walken banged his head on one of those floating question mark box thingies, knocking himself out cold.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I apologize for the gay stuff, my little Italian friend."
Quote of the Victor: "It's a me...Mario...here to kick-a your ass!"
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Cinderella Stories: He-Man (7), the Human Torch (13), Cap'n Crunch (11), Jim Harbaugh (7) and Mario (7) are all still in the hunt.
Mighty Upset: Finally, something interesting happened in the otherwise bland Mighty Region; He-Man upset second-seeded Magneto. He now faces Peyton Manning in a tough battle.
Elite Double Digits? Two double-digit seeds, Cap'n Crunch and the Human Torch, have a shot at making it into the round of eight.
Lucky Sevens: Every seventh seed, with the exception of Duke in the Mighty Region, made it into the Sweet Sixteen.
That's Super: Superheroes the Hulk, the Tick, Wolverine, and the Human Torch are still standing.
Most Unlikely Survivor: As usual, the underrated Christopher Walken continues to thrive.
The Number Ones: Top seeds Optimus Prime, Wolverine, Chuck Norris, and Predator are all in the hunt. Remember, all four #1 seeds have never made it into the Fighting Ultimate Championship Knockout Final Four.
Site: Set of Walker, Texas Ranger
Recap: #1 Chuck Norris vs. #9 Indiana Jones
The Hook: The martial arts master of every archaic hand-to-hand combat style known to man keeps it real against the masterful globe-trotting archaeologist famous for mixing it up when necessary.
Upset Watch: Dr. Jones is resourceful, sporting his trademark fedora, Khyber-Bowie knife, and bullwhip. So watch out.
It was over when...Chuck Norris shattered Indy's legs simply by looking at them.
Quote of the Vanquished: "It's not the years Norris, it's the mileage."
Quote of the Victor: "I hope those ancient ruins are handicap-accessible, Jones."
Recap: #4 Megatron vs. #5 Tony the Tiger
The Hook: Master of the Decepticons and evil robot bent on world domination serves it up against deceptively powerful tiger determined to rule breakfast.
Upset Watch: Tony will need to find the "eye of the tiger" in order to pull this one off.
It was over when...Tony the Tiger realized metal isn't a good substance for mauling, getting a nice, close "shave" from Megatron's cannon.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I'mmmmmmmmmmm screwed!"
Quote of the Victor: "It would take 25 bowls of Frosted Flakes to match the nutrition in one bowl of Total, pathetic creature."
GALLANT REGION, Round Two
Site: Alkali Lake Research Facility
Recap: #1 Wolverine vs. #8 Han Solo
The Hook: Lethally efficient mutant with a reputation for quickly dispatching his prey goes against a smuggler known for dumping his load at the first sight of an Imperial cruiser.
Upset Watch: Unless Han's got Chewie and the Falcon on standby, it's going to be tough to topple the #1 seed in the Gallant Region.
It was over when...Wolverine sliced Han's signature BlasTech DL-44 to smithereens, further embarrassing his overmatched foe by etching "real" Corellian bloodstripes in his arms to match the ones on his trousers.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I haven't felt this stupid since Lucas made me step on Jabba's tail."
Quote of the Victor: "Where's your Wookie now, space pirate?"
Recap: #5 Solid Snake vs. #13 Human Torch
The Hook: Cool-as-ice mercenary with penchant for smoking tests his stealth abilities against a smoking superhero powered by fire.
Upset Watch: The Human Torch is hot to trot about having the chance to square off against Wolverine. Snake's no ordinary man, however.
It was over when...the Human Torch rechristened his foe "Toasted Snake" after derailing Snake's attempt to sneak up on him.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You were a lot harder than the oatmeal guy."
Quote of the Victor: "You don't look so solid to me now!"
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
MIGHTY REGION, Round Two
Site: Asteroid M
Recap: #3 Peyton Manning vs. #6 Khan
The Hook: Star quarterback takes on star-bound supergenius who gives quarter to no one.
Upset Watch: You've seen Khan when he gets obsessed. Manning will have to watch out for the long, revenge-filled monologues.
It was over when...Khan bit on the play-action.
Quote of the Vanquished: "From Hell's heart I stab at thee. I spit my last breath at thee. I breathe my last breath at thee, and dance my last jig at thee..."
Quote of the Victor: "It's the postseason, so we're taking it one game at a time, just trying to come out here and make some plays. We saw some things on film we wanted to exploit, and I think we came in with a good game plan..."
Recap: #7 He-Man vs. #2 Magneto
The Hook: The marvelous man with the Power Sword pushed to the limits against a Marvel baddie who has the power to bend a sword.
Upset Watch: He-Man was seeded rather low by the selection committee, so this should be an interesting matchup.
It was over when...Prince Adam showed up, giving He-Man the opportunity to launch a sneak attack.
Quote of the Vanquished: "A being of your power doesn't require duel identities. You are a god among men, among mutants."
Quote of the Victor: "Bring on Skeletor!"
GALLANT REGION, Round Two
Site: Death Star Trench
Recap: #3 Luke Skywalker vs. #11 Cap'n Crunch.
The Hook: Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo tries to "Force" a victory against a Cap'n who is the sole remaining cereal mascot on his side of the bracket.
Upset Watch: While the Captain does not possess the speed, quickness, or superhuman powers of a Jedi, he does have quite a set of crunch berries, if you know what I mean.
It was over when...the Cap'n poured milk on Luke's mechanical hand, forcing it to malfunction.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I can feel the good in you, the conflict."
Quote of the Victor: "There is no conflict, Jedi scum."
Recap: #2 Darth Vader vs. #7 Jim Harbaugh
The Hook: A fallen Jedi returned through technology meets a quarterback with nerves of steel.
Upset Watch: Harbaugh will need a miracle (ahem...like Aaron Bailey actually catching something) to pull this one off.
It was over when...impressed by Harbaugh's abilities, Vader Force-choked his current fleet admiral and promoted Harbaugh to "Admiral Comeback."
Quote of the Vanquished: "Your scrambling abilities are complete. Indeed you are powerful."
Quote of the Victor: "Sometimes there's just nothing downfield, and you have to make a play with your legs instead of your arm."
LEGACY REGION, Round Two
Recap: #1 Optimus Prime vs. #9 Shredder
The Hook: Deep in the bowels of Cybertron, the Autobot leader prepares to slice n' dice an armored human ninja.
Upset Watch: While the advantage is clearly Prime's to lose, Shredder always manages to have a few tricks up his sleeve.
It was over when...Prime managed to close the portal to Dimension X, stranding Shredder, Krang, Beebop, Rocksteady, and all the other minions there for eternity. Or at least until they can find another way to get back.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Shut up, Krang. It was a terrible plan."
Quote of the Victor: "You remind me of Megatron, you sharp little man."
Recap: #4 Data vs. #5 The Hulk
The Hook: A super-mutant with a reputation for smashing things without asking questions battles an android who endeavors to ask every question before taking action.
Upset Watch: When you're dealing with a 4/5 situation, upsets are a non-factor. Data is a slight favorite.
It was over when...Data's continued questions and lack of contractions sent the Hulk over the edge, with the big green guy tearing Data limb from limb.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I am an artificial byproduct of humanity. You, however, are a freak of science."
Quote of the Victor: "Smash pale man!!!"
DYNAMIC REGION, Round Two
Site: The Jungle
Recap: #1 Predator vs. #9 Aragorn
The Hook: The ranger who would be king tackles the real king of the jungle.
Upset Watch: Aragon will need to call upon all of his ranger training in order to defeat the lethal cunning of the Predator.
It was over when...the Predator placed Aragorn's skull right next to Grimace's.
Quote of the Vanquished: "If you have mercy, Dark Lord, take it now."
Quote of the Victor: (SLASH!)
Recap: #4 Flint vs. #5 The Emperor
The Hook: G.I. Joe's beret-clad second-in-command tries to outlast Duke by making it to the third round against a sinister robe-clad figure with a fondness for manipulation.
Upset Watch: Really, these 4/5 contests are close. You'd think the Force would give Palpatine an edge, but geez...the Jedi Valley Conference has been decimated in this competition.
It was over when...Flint rebuffed the Emperor's attempts to turn him to the Dark Side.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete!"
Quote of the Victor: "Force that, you old codger!"
Monday, June 12, 2006
Individually, I am 6 for 8 from the plate, with 5 RBI. All six hits have been singles. The other two outs have been fly outs. And I pitched pretty well last game, considering that I have never tried to pitch slow-ball.
More updates to come, I'm sure...
LEGACY REGION, Round Two
Site: The City
Recap: #3 The Tick vs. #11 Batman
The Hook: The Caped Crusader faces his toughest opponent ever, a tall and mighty Blue Avenger of Justice also known for prowling around cities.
Upset Watch: The Bat is resourceful, as always, but slowing down an unstoppable force such as the Tick will test even the Dark Knight's limits, especially on the Tick's home turf.
It was over when...the Tick realized Batman was not in fact his friend Die Fledermaus, despite some glaring similarities.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You belong in Arkham, blue avenger."
Quote of the Victor: "Spoooooooooooon! Step aside, Die Fledermaus imposter!"
Recap: #2 Achilles vs. #7 Duke
The Hook: Epic hero of the Iliad tussles with a Real American Hero.
Upset Watch: A skilled combatant like Duke should never be counted out.
It was over when...Duke incited the Rage of Achilles by repeatedly pointing to a visible Trojan Enz billboard.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Where's your concubine now, slimeball?"
Quote of the Victor: "Hector!"
DYNAMIC REGION, Round Two
Site: U.S. in Post-Apocalyptic Future
Recap: #6 Christopher Walken vs. #14 Fletch
The Hook: The master of versatility goes up against the reporter who's a master of disguise.
Upset Watch: After beating Maximus in the first round, Fletch just may be this tournament's Cinderella story. Maybe. Or not.
It was over when...Walken smashed a bottle of fine champagna over Fletch's head.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Oh thank God...the police."
Quote of the Victor: "You just been pranked!"
Recap: #2 Terminator vs. #7 Mario
The Hook: Unstoppable killing machine who once served man challenges quirky Italian plumber dedicated to serving a video game machine.
Upset Watch: Mario's reputation as a plucky hero may serve him well on the Terminator's home court.
It was over when...while running away from a flurry of gunfire, Mario found the warp tube to the next round.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Come with me if you want to live, little plumber."
Quote of the Victor: "I hope I don't-a get-a swept off to one of those swimming levels!"
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Highlights of next week's second-round action...
In the Legacy Region, Batman's first-round upset of General Grievous gives him the right to take on the Tick.
In the Dynamic Region, we'll have to see if Fletch can make a surprising championship run after defeating Maximus in round one.
In the Mighty Region, not a single upset, even a mild one, was found, making that bracket a little on the dull side so far.
In the Gallant Region, Luke Skywalker should have an easy time with 11-seeded Captain Crunch, while Solid Snake could have his hands full with the Human Torch.
Back to round one action...
MIGHTY REGION, Round One
Site: The set of Walker, Texas Ranger
Recap: #1 Chuck Norris vs. #16 Scorpion
The Hook: The mythical martial artist with powers beyond those of a mere mortal takes on a fiery demonical ninja from Mortal Kombat.
Upset Watch: C'mon, it's Chuck Norris. You know what he can do. However, if Scorpion invokes "get over here," it could pose some problems.
It was over when...Chuck Norris delivered a fearsome roundhouse kick to Scorpion's jaw that was taped by four separate cameras, and then aired in sequence.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I said come here!"
Quote of the Victor: "You, got it demonspawn. The eyes of the ranger are upon you. Let's kick it."
Recap: #8 Indiana Jones vs. #9 Darth Maul
The Hook: Legendary adventurer and history buff gets ready to whip it up against a buff Star Wars villain whose history involves getting split in two.
Upset Watch: You'd think Force powers would give Darth Maul an edge, but he tends not to stick around for very long.
It was over when...Indy unholstered his gun while Maul was prancing around like a nancy boy, ending the fight real quick-like.
Quote of the Vanquished: "At last we shall have revenge."
Quote of the Victor: "The Man in the Hat is back, and this time he's kicking your ass."
Recap: #5 Tony the Tiger vs. #12 Sonny Corleone
The Hook: Cereal spokes-animal with a mafia enforcer-type name does business with famous son of mafia head-honcho.
Upset Watch: Sonny fights with the heart of a lion, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see him beat the snot out of a tiger.
It was over when...Sonny ripped off the Frosted Flake's mascot's bandana. Words cannot describe the mauling that followed.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You touch my sister again, I'll kill you."
Quote of the Victor: "Orange is a bad color for your family, you stupid wop."
Recap: #4 Megatron vs. #13 Poppin' Fresh
The Hook: The Decepticon leader goes off half-cocked against the little guy behind those delicious Pillsbury crescent rolls.
It was over when...Megatron blasted Poppin' Fresh right in the belly. After a slight giggle, crews had plenty of dough to clean up.
Quote of the Vanquished: "HEE HEE HEE." (SPLAT!)
Quote of the Victor: "This little dough man is of no consequence. I hear the human creatures enjoy his baked goods, however."
GALLANT Region, Round One
Site: Alkali Lake Research Facility
Recap: #1 Wolverine vs. #16 Dr. Richard Kimble
The Hook: Mighty Mutant running from his past gets ready to lay a beating on the doctor famous for running from the law.
Upset Watch: Wolvie has superior strength, stamina, speed, and blades coming from his hands. Dr. Kimble has the ability to dye his own hair. Hmmm...
It was over when...Dr. Kimble accused Wolverine of switching the samples, agitating him so much, it drove him into a beserker rage. No one survives a beserker rage.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I didn't kill my wife!"
Quote of the Victor: "I don't care, bub."
Recap: #8 Han Solo vs. #9 Tom Brady
The Hook: Intergalactic space pirate and reluctant hero looks to shoot first against championship quarterback and reluctant heterosexual.
Upset Watch: This is a pretty even 8/9 fight, unless you're a New England fan.
It was over when...Brady realized Vinatieri wasn't on the sideline to save his ass.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You mean I don't get an offensive line?"
Quote of the Victor: "Shoulder pads and footballs are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
Recap: #5 Solid Snake vs. #12 Quaker Oats Guy
The Hook: Stealthy military man with checkered past and reputation for instant action matches up againt pacifist cereal maker known for producing instant oatmeal.
Upset Watch: The Quaker Oats Guy has a mean left hook, and can also beat someone with his hat. I doubt that will be remotely threatening to someone who's beaten Vulcan Raven...and lived to talk about it.
It was over when...Solid Snake emerged from a shadowy corner and snapped the Quaker Oat Guy's neck.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I know you're out there. Come out for some fresh, wholesome oatmeal, and we'll have a chat."
Quote of the Victor: " There's no glory in this. Hey...are those cinnamon swirls?"
Recap: #4 Anakin Skywalker vs. #13 Human Torch
The Hook: Fiery-tempered Jedi Knight looks to be the master over superhero with fiery superpowers.
Upset Watch: Hmmm...fire defeated Anakin Skywalker once before. Could it happen again?
It was over when...Anakin began berating the Human Torch for underestimating his powers. Apparently, Johnny Storm saw Episode III, burning Skywalker to a crisp.
Quote of the Vanquished: "One day, I will be the most POWERFUL JEDI EVER."
Quote of the Victor: "Well, that won't be today. Need some salve?"
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Site: Central Core, Cybertron
Recap: #1 Optimus Prime vs. #16 Bill Belichick
The Hook: The Autobot's head coach trades shots with the man who coached New England to three Super Bowl championships, selling his soul in the process.
Upset Watch: Belichick's championship rings are a mighty weapon against anyone. But they can't transform into a semi-truck. At least, I don't think so.
It was over when...Optimus Prime got inspired after cranking up "The Touch," beating Belichick to a bloody pulp, and placing the championship rings in his chest next to the Matrix of Leadership.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I give their team all the credit." (walks away from podium)
Quote of the Victor: "Transform and roll out...straight to hell!"
Recap: #8 Daredevil vs. #9 Shredder
The Hook: Blind superhero with super senses tries to hold his ground against super villain blinded by greed and power.
Upset Watch: You'll see this a lot in 8/9 matchups: these guys are pretty even.
It was over when...after a desperate struggle, The Shredder finally realized the only weapon against the Man Without Fear is complete and utter silence.
Quote of the Vanquished: "The devil's in the details, and I didn't do my homework."
Quote of the Victor: "What's the matter, Daredevil? No one in sight?"
Recap: #5 Hulk vs. #12 Sub-Zero
The Hook: Gamma-ray mutant with anger management issues looks to put the deep freeze on a cold Kombatant.
Upset Watch: Tanks, planes, explosives, and supervillains can't stop the Hulk. It'll be interesting to see what effects maneuvers like Freeze and Ground Freeze have.
It was over when...The Incredible Hulk smashed a lot of ice. I mean a lot of ice.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Stop calling me 'Bobby Drake,' you insidious beast."
Quote of the Victor: "Hulk want slushie!"
Recap: #4 Data vs. #13 Destro
The Hook: The Star Trek: TNG's second coming of Spock tests his android capabilities against Cobra's power-hungry second-in-command.
Upset Watch: Never underestimate the powers of the genius responsible for perfecting the Weather Dominator, the Pyramid of Darkness, and the MASS Device.
It was over when...Data's threat assessment protocols finally kicked in after a repeated round of Destro's wrist rockets.
Quote of the Vanquished: "If I had a weapon like you, I could overthrow Cobra Commander and rule the earth!"
Quote of the Victor: "My positronic brain does not comprehend why a human being would want to appear as if he were an artificial one."
DYNAMIC REGION, Round One
Site: The Jungle
Recap: #1 Predator vs. Grimace
The Hook: The deadly, silent alien-killer preps his mandibles for a feast of purple, fat, overstuffed not-so-fast food.
Upset Watch: Um, hey...alas poor Grimace, Mayor McCheese knew him well.
It was over when...Grimace, after wandering around the jungle for several minutes, was surprisingly decapitated. And, yes, as Jon Stewart once said, "shake was everywhere."
Quote of the Vanquished (a.k.a. "Grimace's last words"): "I love the new McDonaldland Play Jungle!! Hello...hello...is someone there?"
Quote of the Victor: (footsteps)
Recap: #8 Sean Connery vs. #9 Aragorn
The Hook: The king of the Bond series takes his fiery temper and legendary eyebrows deep into the jungle to challenge the returned king of Middle Earth.
Upset Watch: Personally, I think Connery should've been higher than a #8 seed. So if Aragorn's mastery of Andúril beats him, I'll be surprised.
It was over when...Connery saw his reflection in a stream, prompting him to pause and admire his awe-inspiring good looks. That gave Aragorn enough time to strike the decisive blow.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I've beaten stronger women than you."
Quote of the Victor: "Then you shall die as one of them!"
Recap: #5 The Emperor vs. #12 Joey Porter
The Hook: The smooth-talking Emperor of the Galactive Empire matches wits against the trash-talking Steelers linebacker.
Upset Watch: If you know me at all, you know this won't be good for Porter.
It was over when...Porter pulled off his helmet to celebrate after decking the Emperor, causing Palpatine to create a Rage Force Storm powerful enough to shut him up. That's a lot of rage, y'all.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Where you gonna hide, fool? Big-time players make big-time plays."
Quote of the Victor: "The black and gold is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural."
Recap: #4 Flint vs. #13 Captain America
The Hook: The Chief Warrant Officer with the mighty beret challenges the masked avenger with the mighty shield.
Upset Watch: Never count out Cap.
It was over when...Flint punched Captain America in the fucking face.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Yelling long monologues about patriotism and justice doesn't cut it these days. My opponents don't stand there and listen like they used to. "
Quote of the Victor: "I am not a second-rate Duke."
Site: Asteroid M
Recap: #6 Khan vs. #11 Jackie Chan
The Hook: Star Trek baddie gets ready to rumble with action superstar whose last name kind of looks like Khan's first name.
Upset Watch: While Khan is a genetically-engineered super specimen, Jackie Chan can kick his ass if he gets his hands on a ladder or other object.
It was over when...Khan started quoting Moby Dick, causing Jackie to beat himself with the asteroid bucket he was carrying.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Don't ever quote Melville to Chinese man! And stop calling me Kiiiiiiiiirk."
Quote of the Victor: "I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up. Then I'll rip out his testicles."
Recap: #3 Peyton Manning vs. #14 James Marshall
The Hook: The Commander-in-Chief of the Colts' offense engages in an all-out brawl against the Commander-in-Chief from Air Force One.
Upset Watch: Marshall has taken down Russian terrorists; a pro quarterback shouldn't really present much of a challenge. Then again, Manning's always good in the first round.
It was over when...Manning threw a regulation-size football right at Marshall's crotch.
Quote of the Vanquished: (octave higher than normal) "Get off my plane!"
Quote of the Victor: "You know, we just went out there, and, it's a marathon, not a sprint. We had some protection problems today, but Marvin's Marvin, and the home crowd was big today. You just take it one game at a time..."
Recap:#7 He-Man vs. #10 Dolph Lundgren
The Hook: The original Master of the Universe takes on the man who butchered his role in Masters of the Universe.
Upset Watch: With all of Eternia rooting against him, Dolph may just be able to pull what would be a mild upset. However, He-Man's no Frank Langella.
It was over when...He-Man shoved his Power Sword up Dolph's ass, showing him the real Power of Grayskull.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Sometimes I ask God if what I'm doing is right. He still hasn't answered."
Quote of the Victor: "This is for The Defender! And The Russian Specialist! And Rocky IV!"
Recap: #2 Magneto vs. #15 El Guapo
The Hook: Power-obsessed mutant warlord takes on power-obsessed Mexican jefe.
Upset Watch: El Guapo has a plethora of cleverness and sneaky moves. But homo sapien superior is, well, superior.
It was over when...El Guapo insisted on using guns and real bullets, even after Magneto warned him it was a bad idea.
Quote of the Vanquished: "El Guapo only kills men. He does not kill dangerous mutants."
Quote of the Victor: "You homo sapiens and your guns."
GALLANT REGION, Round One
Site: Death Star Trench
Recap: #6 Spider-Man vs. #11 Cap'n Crunch
The Hook: The web-slinger tries to hold his ground against the East Point Breakfast Academy-trained Captain of the Milk Sea.
Upset Watch: Spider-Man themed cereals haven't been nearly as popular Cap'n Crunch and his various varieties.
It was over when...Cap'n Crunch's explosive crunch berries caused Spidey's web shooters to malfunction, allowing the Cap'n to render him immobile with liquefied peanut butter crunch.
Quote of the Vanquished: "That guy's a cereal killer!"
Quote of the Victor: "Taste my pain, arachnid!"
Recap: #3 Luke Skywalker vs. #14 Cobra Skywalker
The Hook: The Jedi returns to combat to face the sssssslithering bosssssss of Cobra, a terrorist organization determined to rule the world.
Upset Watch: The Commander is so shifty...I wouldn't be surprised if he had a surprise or two for Luke. However, Skywalker's familiarity with the Death Star trench will make that difficult.
It was over when...Cobra Commander's hidden army of battle android troopers turned against him, allowing Luke to sit back and watch the show.
Quote of the Vanquished: "There issssss another Sssssssskywalker..."
Quote of the Victor: "Hey, listen. You are not my father. Stop saying that!"
#7 Jim Harbaugh vs. #10 Tom Cruise
The Hook: Captain Comeback plays it straight against the uber-star movie man with the Scientology plan.
Upset Watch: Hey, it's Tom Cruise. He's backed by the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard and millions upon millions of dollars, including the seven bucks I shelled out to see Mission: Impossible III.
It was over when...Harbaugh, bloodied and nearly beaten, visualized Cruise as Aaron Bailey, fueling a furious comeback attack precipitated by the Super Bowl that never was.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I want the truth! I can handle it!"
Quote of the Victor: "I was like, 'it's the fourth quarter, and we're down by 20. I'll bring us back, coach.' And I did."
Recap: #2 Darth Vader vs. #15 Lucky (the Lucky Charms Leprechaun)
The Hook: The "more machine now than man" Sith Lord goes for the pot o' gold against the diminutive cereal star.
Upset Watch: If you think Lucky's going to beat Vader, remember this: the Dark Lord of the Sith isn't after his Lucky Charms.
It was over when...Vader got tired of chasing Lucky, and used his trusty Force choke.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Frosted Lucky Charms, they're mag-ic-al-leeeeeeeee. (gasp!)"
Quote of the Victor: "Now your failure is complete, Green Jawa."
Monday, June 05, 2006
LEGACY REGION, Round One
SITE: The City
Recap: #6 General Grievous vs. #11 Batman
The Hook: Two caped crusaders, one human the other a cyborg, go toe-to-toe.
Upset Watch: While Grievous is much, much more powerful than Batman, an urban environment could help the cerebral Dark Knight find an edge.
It was over when...Batman unleashed several canisters of Bat-gas on Grievous, causing him to cough to death.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Damn George Lucas (COUGH!!) and his (COUGH, COUGH!) last-minute changes!!!"
Quote of the Victor: "I'm Batman."
RECAP: #3 The Tick vs. #14 The Joker
The Hook: On his home turf, The Tick presents an imposing figure of Mighty Blue Justice. But can the Clown Prince of Crime pull the prank of his career?
Upset Watch: Even though the Tick is nigh-invulnerable, the Joker could conceivably use the blue hero's child-like innocence against him.
It was over when...The Tick realized the Joker's "fireworks" were actually dynamite, causing him to throw the murderous jester into a building.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I love it when I slay the audience!"
Quote of the Victor: "You're an evil clown!"
RECAP: #7 Duke vs. #10 Jack Ryan
The Hook: Two Fake American heroes created during the Cold War square off against injustice, communism, and each other.
Upset Watch: Both are evenly matched in this 7 seed vs. 10 seed clash. It would be a mild upset if Ryan beat Duke.
It was over when...Duke managed to blow up some oil barrels, resulting in a large explosion and a very "fake fall" on Ryan's part.
Quote of the Vanquished: "You're just a toy of corporate America, Duke."
Quote of the Victor: "Knowing is half the battle, bitch!"
RECAP: #2 Achilles vs. #15 Kramer
The Hook: History's best warrior grapples with History's most popular supporting TV character.
Upset Watch: Unless Cosmo has Patroclus' armor or an atomic death ray, he's in for a long (or a short) day.
It was over when...it started.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I'm out!"
Quote of the Victor: "The rage of Peleus' son knows no bounds."
DYNAMIC REGION, Round One
SITE: U.S. in Post-Apocalyptic Future
RECAP: #6 Christopher Walken vs. #14 Kordell Stewart
The Hook: The man of many faces challenges the quarterback of many positions (and NFL teams).
Upset Watch: While Kordell Stewart certainly has better speed and athletic ability, Walken won an Oscar. What has Stewart won besides the 1995-96 AFC Championship Game?
It was over when...Walken found a tire iron.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Listen, I'm not the black chick from A View to a Kill!"
Quote of the Victor: "Sorry, but that's what happens when you're on a cocaine high!"
RECAP: #3 Maximus vs. #14 Fletch
The Hook: Rome's greatest soldier tussles with Chevy Chase's greatest character.
Upset Watch: Although a complete mismatch from a physical standpoint, Fletch may be able to play some mind games with Maximus Decimus Meridius. Good luck with that.
It was over when...Fletch convinces Maximus he's actually in Elysium and he's already dead.
Quote of the Vanquished: "I am not entertained!"
Quote of the Victor: "I'll have a bloody mary, a steak sandwich, and a steak sandwich."
RECAP: #7 Mario vs. #10 Count Dooku
The Hook: Can the Super Plumber from the Mushroom Kingdom take down the disgraced ex-Jedi Sith Lord?
Upset Watch: Unless Mario's got a fire flower hidden somewhere, he's got no way to match Count Dooku's Sith lightning.
It was over when...Mario stomped on Dooku's head, flattening him like a Goomba.
Quote of the Vanquished: "This travesty of plumbing will not go unpunished!"
Quote of the Victor: "Nintendo Power!"
RECAP: #2 The Terminator vs. #15 M. Bison
The Hook: Living tissue over metal endoskeleton vs. an evil military mastermind with dark powers and a mean scissor kick.
Upset Watch: When performed repeatedly, Bison's Psycho Crusher attack can present quite a challenge...if you're a human being.
It was over when...Bison went to the well one too many times with his scissor kick, causing The Terminator to break both of his legs.
Quote of the Vanquished: "Anyone who opposes me shall be...oh dear God my legs!!"
Quote of the Victor: "I swear I will not kill anyone. Breaking their legs is another story."
Friday, June 02, 2006
However, I am now ready and committed to bringing you the most ambitious project TFT has offered since its inception: Fighting Ultimate Championship Knockout (you can make the acronym all by yourself).
I've picked 65 of my favorite characters/athletes/objects of scorn, and put them into a massive NCAA-style tournament. They range from the absurd (Frank Drebin from The Naked Gun) to the asinine (Tony the Tiger); from the super-ridiculous (Dolph Lundgren) to the superheroic (Batman). There's really no rhyme or reason or logic to any of it: I made up ten different conferences, randomly filled them up off the top of my head, seeded them myself through analysis and coin-flips, and set up a massive tournament bracket.
The conferences are as follows:
ARC Division (Android, Robot, and Cyborg Division): Optimus Prime, General Grievous, Megatron, Darth Vader, The Terminator, Data
JVC (Jedi Valley Conference): Luke Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker, Count Dooku, The Emperor, Darth Maul
Conference Super: Batman, Spider-Man, Wolverine, Daredevil, The Tick, The Human Torch, Incredible Hulk, Captain America
The Big Ford: Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Jack Ryan, James Marshall (The President from Air Force One), Dr. Richard Kimble
Sports Nation: Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Kordell Stewart, Joey Porter, Bill Belichick, Jim Harbaugh
Warrior Nine: Achilles, Duke, Flint, Aragorn, Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, Dolph Lundgren, Maximus, He-Man
VCC (Video Computer Conference): Sonic the Hedgehog, Mario, Solid Snake, M. Bison, Sub-Zero, Scorpion
HCAC (Hollywood Celebrity Athletic Conference): Christopher Walken (of course), Psycho Tom Cruise, Cosmo Kramer, Frank Drebin, Sean Connery, Sonny Corleone, Fletch
MCC (Mascot Character Conference): Captain Crunch, Grimace, Tony the Tiger, the Quaker Oats Guy, Lucky (the Lucky Charms Leprechaun), Poppin' Fresh
Big Evil: Cobra Commander, The Predator, Khan, Shredder, The Joker, Destro, El Guapo, Magneto
Obviously, if you think this through logically, this makes no sense. For me, that's the fun of it; a chance to throw all my favorite characters together in a gigantic fake wonderland of stupidity, absurdity, and carnage. Yes, I have an active imagination. And yes, I have too much time on my hands.
Here's how things will work. Today, I'll post the matchups (scroll down to see them). Here's the schedule for this uber-ambitious four-week tournament (that's right...four weeks!)...
Entire first round of match-ups, 8 "fights" per day with capsule reviews of the action on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. That will be followed up by a recap and preview of week two on Friday.
Entire second round of match-ups, including 4 "fights" per day with longer reviews of the action on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. A recap and preview of week three will follow for Friday.
Entire third round of action, including 2 "fights" per day with extended recaps of the action on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. A recap and a preview of week four will follow on Friday.
2 "fights" each on Monday and Tuesday, followed by a recap and Final Four preview on Wednesday. Thursday, the Final Four will be played out, followed by a brief preview of the championship match. On Friday, I'll unveil the final results of the competition, at which point I'll reveal how I came to my conclusions, and elaborate on the evolution of the competition.
Here's a look at the bracket to give us a start:
Looking over the brackets, the potential exists for some really great match-ups. In the Legacy Region, upsets by Batman and The Joker could set up an epic rivalry match. In the Mighty Region, I know I'd pay good money to see Poppin' Fresh take on Tony the Tiger. That's unlikely to happen. The most intriguing bracket is probably the Gallant, which is loaded with interesting match-ups, including the possibilty of a father/son battle between Luke Skywalker and Anakin Skywalker, or even an epic challenge pitting Darth Vader against Luke or Anakin (I told you this wouldn't really make much sense). And, in the Dynamic Region, I'm excited to see exactly how wild cards Flint and Christopher Walken do. That will really be interesting.
Please keep checking out TFT for the latest news on the Fighting Ultimate Championship Knockout. And, hey, print out a bracket and make your predictions. It's going to be a wild ride.
The first official contest features Frank Drebin vs. Bill Belichick in the Play-In Game, an unnecessary extra battle to see which guy gets to lose to Optimus Prime, the #1 seed in the Legacy Region.
RECAP: Frank Drebin vs. Bill Belichick
SITE: Gillette Stadium
After using his dark powers to convince the selection committee that Gillette Stadium represents a neutral site, Belichick faces off against the unfortunate Frank Drebin. Lt. Drebin, uncertain of what he's actually involved in, recognizes Belichick from somewhere.
"Didn't you used to coach the Browns?" Drebin asks.
Belichick replies in the negative, explaining to Drebin that the world did not exist before he began coaching the New England Patriots. Drebin uses nearly all of his brainpower to digest this fact, quickly searching for his service revolver as Belichick approaches.
"I thought you were a defensive coach!" Drebin exclaims as Belichick pulls the hood from his sweatshirt up over his head, turns his frown into a quietly menacing smile, and removes three rings from his pocket. He throws them in the lieutenant's direction.
"And now, Young Drebin, you will die," Belichick calmly says as he manipulates the rings with his dark powers. They repeateldy hit Drebin as he struggles to focus, since the objects are so shiny he can hardly pay attention to anything.
"Surely you must be defeated, " Belichick suggests.
"I am, and don't call me Shirley," Drebin manages as he slumps to the ground.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The Big Blue Guy is coming to DVD on August 29th.
The MIGHTY BLUE AVENGER of Justice makes his triumphant return to the small screen (or, in the case of JumboTron C, the big one) in just a few months. You have no idea how utterly excited I am about this development.
For years, the rights to the Fox cartoon version of THE TICK have been in limbo, with rumors that a bigscreen treatment was in the works. Those never came to fruition, but Fox did "continue" THE TICK LEGACY with a mildly amusing, live-action version of the comic book starring Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld's "Puddy"). It didn't really even compare to the genius of the Fox cartoon, which was part of a deadly block of entertainment that at one point included the excellent animated "X-Men" and "Spider-Man" series on Saturday mornings. Heck, because of weird legal rights issues, characters in the live-action series and the cartoon series had different names ("American Maid," for example, became "Captain Liberty" in the live-action version, while "Die Fledermaus" became "Bat Manuel").
A while ago, the Toon Disney channel (and its ABC Family Channel) began airing episodes of THE TICK cartoon. For several weeks, it was appointment TV. Eventually, because of my strange hours, I started missing it. Of course, I have just about every episode of the cartoon on VHS, which I taped during its original run on Fox. Over the years, as is the norm with cassette tapes, the quality has degraded. Plus, I am missing a few episodes, most notably "The Tick vs. The Idea Men," which I think was the first episode aired.
My jubiliation at having the show on DVD is enough; I don't care if there are any special features. But it would be interesting to see if THE TICK's creator, Ben Edlund, has anything to say about how the character has been treated over the years.