Tuesday, March 13, 2007

More Perfect Strangers Picks

Again, I'm taking the scientific Balki Approach to the NCAA Tournament. If you need further explanation, simply scroll down to the previous post I put up last night.

MIDWEST REGION:

#16 Jackson State Tigers vs. #1 Florida Gators
Winner: Florida
Reason: I say the Gator stays underwater, baiting the Tiger until it gets thirsty. Then, just like that one scene in Crocodile Dundee (I understand gators and crocs are different), the Gator will come out of nowhere, scare the crap out of everyone, and have a nice Tiger dinner.

#15 Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders vs. #2 Wisconsin Badgers
Winner: Texas A&M CC
Reason: Ride the wave Badger baby! I mean, Islanders are those servers at Cheeseburger in Paradise, and at first glance, they're waaaaaaay too laid back to compete with a hot-headed, angry Badger. But Wisconsin's mascot wears a stupid-looking red striped shirt, and I'm pretty sure he's gonna drown in an overflowing Islander wave. Man, this one sucked.

#14 Miami (OH) Redhawks vs. #3 Oregon Ducks
Winner: Miami (OH)
Reason: Miami's Redhawk looks very, very pissed off. Oregon's logo is an O. I always think of Hawks as determined, powerful creatures (unless they reside in Atlanta), while Ducks are kind of laid back (unless you're playing Duck Hunt). So Mighty Redhawks throttle the quackers.

#13 Davidson Wildcats vs. #4 Maryland Terrapins
Winner: Maryland
Reason: The mascots in the logos for these teams both look extremely cocky and self-satisfied. I'm giving the Terrapin the edge here, because its shell will protect it against a Wildcat attack. The Terrapin may not have the most striking power pound-for-pound. But it can tire out its more offensively gifted nemesis.

#12 Old Dominion Monarchs vs. #5 Butler Bulldogs
Winner: Old Dominion
Reason: Butler's Bulldog is mean. But there's no way he can stand an all-out assault from a Blue Lion with a crown. The lion is of course the king of the jungle, and the Bulldogs are gonna get a bad case of jungle fever. Wait...is that the right term?

#11 Winthrop Eagles vs. #6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Winner: Notre Dame
Reason: Eagles and other birds of prey have fared well so far in these picks. But they've never, ever met a drunken Irishman on the day before St. Patrick's Day. After all, the Irish need something fun to celebrate!

#10 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Winner: Georgia Tech
Reason: I'm pretty sure the Yellow Jacket can hide in the Rebels' gigantic mustaches, inflicting mucho pain. Plus, well, Yellow Jackets tend to swarm...and Runnin' Rebels, well, run.

#9 Purdue Boilermakers vs. #8 Arizona Wildcats
Winner: Purdue
Reason: Big train vs. Wildcat = blood on the train tracks.

EAST REGION:

#16 Eastern Kentucky Colonels vs. #1 North Carolina Tarheels
Winner: Eastern Kentucky
Reason: Hmmm...is it me or do the Colonels have a great resemblance to Colonel Sanders? Well, at least one logo does. The other logo, the Colonel on their official website, looks like he means business. And when a guy who looks like Colonel Sanders means business, that can mean only one thing: Kentucky Fried Tarheel.

#15 Belmont Bruins vs. Georgetown Hoyas
Winner: Georgetown
Reason: Okay, um, no one knows what the hell a Hoya is. Even the "official" explanation on their website defies logic. However, Belmont's Bruin looks stupid and sluggish, thus trying to explain what a Hoya is would blow the poor bear's mind. Um....yeah.

#14 Oral Roberts Golden Eagles vs. #3 Washington State Cougars
Winner: Washington State
Reason: Wow, there are so many birds of prey and deadly big cats in this tournament! I admit Washington State's Cougar is a bit of an abstraction, but Oral Roberts' Eagle looks like he's hiding behind a mask of self-confidence. With that puffed out chest, I say the Cougars annihilate him.

#13 New Mexico State Aggies vs. #4 Texas Longhorns
Winner: Texas
Reason: Well, it's simple. The Aggies' old mascot, Pistol Pete, used to carry a gun. But now all he has is a handlebar mustache and a wimpy looking lasso. Since everything's bigger in Texas, and we're dealing with really, really big longhorn cattle, I'm afraid the Aggies and their agriculturally-inspired mascot will get gored.

#12 Arkansas Razorbacks vs. #5 USC Trojans
Winner: USC
Reason: The Razorbacks have some very sharp parts. But Trojans (the ones that don't protect against VD and unwanted pregnancies) carry swords and wear lots of armor. So this simple battle comes down to a big ol' pig roast. And you can be a big pig too!

#11 George Washington Colonials vs. #6 Vanderbilt Commodores
Winner: George Washington
Reason: Musket vs. Sword. Musket wins.

#10 Texas Tech Red Raiders vs. #7 Boston College Eagles
Winner: Texas Tech
Reason: The nickname Red Raiders smacks of bloody, lightning-quick raids. And since there's no strange wild dog involved (see Wright State), I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. The Eagles have landed...with a thud!

#9 Marquette Golden Eagles vs. #8 Michigan State Spartans
Winner: Michigan State
Reason: If you've seen 300, you know why I picked the Spartans. Plus, Marquette has continually pussed out over the years pertaining to its mascot. Just bring back the damn Warriors already. THIS IS SPARTA!

SOUTH REGION:

[Editor's Remark: I am so glad the NCAA decided to bring back the more generic East, West, Midwest, and South Regions. Trying to keep track of the individual cities that changed every year was a waste of time]

#16 Central Connecticut State Blue Devils vs. Ohio State Buckeyes
Winner: Ohio State
Reason: Sure, I've made the argument "What the hell is this, what the hell is that" during this little spiel. I'm lucky I know what a buckeye is, since I've lived close enough to the Buckeye State. So you can claim regional bias on this one. It also doesn't help Central Connecticut State that their Blue Devil looks like a little punk from the Archies.

#15 North Texas Mean Green vs. #2 Memphis Tigers
Winner: North Texas
Reason: They're not just the Green. They're the MEAN GREEN. Feel their pain, Tiger bitches!

#14 Penn Quakers vs. Texas A&M Aggies
Winner: Texas A&M
Reason: Well, it's not like Aggies are especially violent, but Quakers are pacifists by nature, so a quick blow with a pitchfork is about all that's needed here.

#13 Albany Great Danes vs. #4 Virginia Cavaliers
Winner: Virginia
Reason: The Great Danes are (FINALLY!) the first great nickname I've come across in my travels. Unfortunately, though large enough to be miniature horses, Great Danes are huge targets for any self-respecting Cavalier, even if they are reputedly hard-drinking dandies in plumed hats.

#12 Long Beach State 49ers vs. #5 Tennessee Volunteers
Winner: Tennessee
Reason: Years of fruitless prospecting caught up with many a 49er, and a well-trained Volunteer can nail a squirrel from thousands of yards away. Yeah, they're that good of marksmen.

#11 Stanford Cardinals vs. #6 Louisville Cardinals
Winner: Louisville
Reason: Well, um, this is about as evenly matched as it gets. I'm as baffled by this as I was by the Villanova-Kentucky Wildcat battle. But I'm more baffled by the Stanford Tree. I say the Louisville Cardinals make a nest in it.

#10 Creighton Blue Jays vs. #7 Nevada Wolf Pack
Winner: Nevada
Reason: A pack of wolves vs. some blue jays? C'mon...is this even a battle?

#9 Brigham Young Cougars vs. #8 Xavier Musketeers
Winner: Xavier
Reason: There's no way the Musketeers are losing to a bunch of freaking Mormon cats. All for one, and one for all!

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