Monday, March 12, 2007

The Perfect Strangers Forecast

Great job on the play-in game preview, Krildog. But I'm afraid the very scientific computer simulation may have to step aside for reality (or at least my version of it).

All right, it's been a long time since I've posted anything of consequence here. So it's time to step it up.

I'm going to start by predicting the NCAA Tournament in the Balki style. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, then let me give you a brief refresher course. In the classic TV 80s TV series Perfect Strangers, there's an episode where Balki impresses Cousin Larry by predicting the outcome of football games based on their mascots. You know, a Ram would beat a Colt, that sort of thing. I'm going to apply that same (il)logical method to first-round games in the tournament. I'll do one region tonight, and catch up to the rest by Thursday.

I'm going to start from the West Coast, and work my way across.

Florida A & M Rattlers vs. Niagara Purple Eagles
Winner: Niagara
Reason: Yes, a Rattler is deadly. But the Eagle (a purple one at that) has the advantage of flight. Plus I seem to recall how some Eagles actually eat snakes, swooping from the air to grasp them in their talons.

#16 Niagara Purple Eagles vs. #1 Kansas Jayhawks
Winner: Niagara
Reason: In a shocking tournament first, the mighty Purple Eagles beat Kansas in this bird-on-bird faceoff simply because their eagle mascot looks a lot more pissed off than KU's fucking family-friendly "I'm so happy" Gayhawk. Seriously, what the hell is that bird smiling at anyway?

#15 Weber State Wildcats vs. UCLA Bruins
Winner: UCLA
Reason: C'mon, UCLA doesn't even use a fearsome bear in their official logo. The fact UCLA's logo is written in baseball-type script should knock them down a few points. But consider this: maybe they're not showing the Bruin because it's so freaking awesome, it'd pop right off the page and maul you to death. That's exactly what will happen to the scrappy Wildcats.

#14 Wright State Raiders vs. #3 Pitt Panthers
Winner: Pitt
Reason: Apparently, the Raiders are represented by a wolf. A freaking wolf. Shouldn't raiders have like swords and bows and arrows and shit? Shouldn't they be manning giant catapults capable of launching flaming balls of death at their opponents? Since they're not doing that, the little punk wolf is going down, beaten to a pulp by a Panther that looks like it's got rabies. It's a painful way to go.

#13 Holy Cross Crusaders vs. Southern Illinois Salukis
Winner: Holy Cross
Reason: You've got a religious zealot against some type of dog I'm not sure even exists. It's not even a contest. Heck, things probably got so bad during the Crusades that people had to eat dogs anyway. So stick a sword in the Salukis, and watch them burn. The only thing that would be worse for the poor dogs would be if they wore turbans.

#12 Illinois Fighting Illini vs. #5 Virginia Tech Hokies
Winner: Illinois
Reason: There will be no Chief Illiniwek to lead the Illini to victory. But since no one knows what the hell a Hokie is (the official definition of a Hokie is "a true Virginia Tech fan" and the school's mascot is a turkey-inspired bird), this is a complete bloodbath. I mean really, what's a loyal techie fan going to do against a kickass tribe of murderous Illini? If you said "pee his pants," you'd be right. The only way VT would pull this out is if the Vick brothers show up with a heavily armed posse.

#11 Virgina Commonwealth Rams vs. #6 Duke Blue Devils
Winner: Duke
Reason: Sometimes the powers of darkness wear blue. Even though Duke's Blue Devil looks pretty damn happy for the prince of evil, a Ram doesn't stand a chance. The Blue Devil will hypnotize the officials or something. And, if something displeases a certain member of the team, he'll just break the Ram's nose anyway.

#10 Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. #7 Indiana Hoosiers
Winner: Indiana
Reason: The unstoppable force of the giant I and U will crush the poor Bulldog.

#9 Villanova Wildcats vs. #8 Kentucky Wildcats
Winner: Villanova
Reason: Um, this is kind of a tough call. Wildcats vs. Wildcats. Do East Coast Augustinian Order Wildcats beat Southern our-college-was-founded-as-an-Agricultural-and-Mechanical institution Wildcats? I guess the Roman Catholic Wildcats come out on top, cuz they're just a little more motivated. Or something.

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