Monday, February 25, 2008

DVD Collection Part 13 and the Bloom-o-meter

Kingdom of Heaven and Kingdom of Heaven: Director's Cut

Rating: 84 (Collectively)

Plot summary: Poor Orlando Bloom. His wife is dead, and it's apparently a suicide. That's a sin, and the religious leaders in his village say she's going to hell. The young blacksmith is pissed off by this revelation and kills a holy man. This happens just after his father, Liam Neeson (playing the sage figure, as usual) asks him to join him in the Crusades. Orlando refuses, but decides to run off after his act of violence. In this sprawling epic, he encounters Dr. Bashir from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and also kind of hooks up with the chick from Casino Royale. Oh, and Edward Norton hides behind a metal mask. In the end, Orlando finds the true hero within himself, questions the wisdom of a world at holy war, outsmarts a great Muslim leader, and manages to protect the people of Jerusalem. All that, plus Jeremy Irons, Crusaders run amok, great balls of fire, siege tactics, and sword-fighting lessons.

Favorite Quote 1: "I once fought two days with an arrow through my testicle."
Favorite Quote 2: "This is your oath. (slap) And that's so you remember it."
Favorite Quote 3: "The world will decide. The world always decides."
Favorite Quote 4: "That I would rather live with men than kill them is certainly why you are alive."

Odd acquisition story: There's nothing too notable about the acquisition of the theatrical cut of Kingdom of Heaven. I think I used a gift card to buy it when it was on sale at Best Buy. The sprawling, four-disc director's cut is another matter. Unlike a lot of people, I really liked Kingdom of Heaven. I thought it was a very interesting movie. I did feel there were a few "gaps" here and there. I'd read that the director's cut really fills in some of the holes, so I decided I'd rent it off Netflix. I was pumped when I got the first disc. I watched it immediately. But there was a slight problem: Netflix only sends out the first disc of the director's cut; it doesn't send out the second disc or either of the supplemental ones with bonus features. So I was stuck halfway through the movie with no way to get the second half of it through Netflix. To remedy this, I decided it'd be worth it to buy the director's cut, since I really find the film fascinating. I ordered it from for a pretty good price, and a few days later, it arrived. And, as evidenced by the scanned cover at the top of this post, the movie is all mine now. What's this all mean? It basically amounts to a $35 rental.

Lingering questions: Is there a better go-to mentor/father figure than Liam Neeson? I don't think so! Is there anyway to write a brief plot summary of this movie that isn't confusing? How in the world did they ever condense this movie into less than three hours? Where can I get a templar uniform?

And now, a slightly new feature for The Flying Trapeezius...introducing the Bloom-o-meter! I've mentioned before that I have too many Orlando Bloom movies in my collection. Unfortunately, he's in a lot of good movies, several of them franchise flicks. So, to track the Orlando Bloom movies in my collection, here's the current count of the Bloom-o-meter...

You're probably wondering (or maybe you're not) how I came up with "2 3/4" for the Bloom-o-meter. Well, take Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl...and Kingdom of Heaven (theatrical and director's cuts), and you get 2 3/4. You see, Pirates is one movie...and the multiple cuts of Kingdom of Heaven don't quite add up to two whole movies, yet they're too big to count as just a single I figured they'd add up to one-and-three-fourths movies. It's just common sense. You can look forward to more updates from the Bloom-o-meter as I continue my quest to catalogue the movies in my DVD collection throughout the coming weeks. Or months. Or (gulp), maybe even year.

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