Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Kentucky flashes Krypotonite, Tebow and Gators fall

Lexington, Kentucky – The University of Kentucky took full control of their SEC destiny after the 45-14 shellacking of the University of Florida Gators. The only SEC loss for the Cats was at the hands of Tim Tebow and the Gators last year. That single loss prevented UK from going to the 2008 SEC Championship game. This time around it will be the Gators looking from the outside-in. “Yeah it does take some weight off our shoulders”, said Coach Fife with a relieved sigh. “But there are still plenty of punishing SEC games left on the schedule.” According to Fife, the game centered around one man: Tim Tebow.

He’s been called Superman, Quarterback 2.0, Heisman 3.0, and even a football god. There were even “The Twelve Tim Tebow Facts” being passed around on the web:

12. Tim Tebow once stiff-armed a horse. Its descendants are known as giraffes.

11. Tim Tebow caught the roadrunner, and then beat the hell out of Wil E. Coyote for being a pansy.

10. Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

9. Tim Tebow invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football. In that order.

8. God wanted to create the world in 10 days, but Tim Tebow only gave him 6.

7. Tim Tebow once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

6. Tim Tebow once ate an entire cake before his friends could inform him that there was a stripper in it.

5. Tim Tebow recently had the idea to sell his canned urine as a beverage. This is now known as Red Bull.

4. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Tim Tebow, each testicle is larger than the other one.

3. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

2. Tim Tebow won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong that it wasn't a big deal. Tim Tebow thinks yellow wrist bands are gay.

1. After sex, Tim Tebow smokes. Not cigarettes - his penis literally smokes.

“Yeah we heard about those [‘The Twelve Tim Tebow Facts’]”, said Trevard Lindley. “I thought the superman references were really funny, but obviously those aren’t true.” Lindley and company made Tebow’s game day a living nightmare. Tebow’s ability to run was stopped by a constant spying of Micah Johnson. His passing was erratic, and was capped with a Trevard Lindley interception and touchdown. “After I snatched the ball, I was headed to the goal line when I saw [Tebow] try to make a tackle. I started to charge at him to knock him over and add to the highlight, but coach was screaming at to get my (expletive) in the endzone,” said Lindley. Tebow’s feeble attempt to tackle a diving Lindley at the goal line was caught for what will make a very good highlight at the UK Football Banquet. “That was a fun game, lots of highlights,” Fife said.

The offense caught fire early and made sure that Tebow could not make a superhuman comeback. Curtis Pulley connected with Alfonso Smith for 2 scores. Smith, who is coming off the bench and is becoming an “Ultraback” had this to say: “At first I really felt snubbed for being set back to 2nd string but coach told me that he’d get me in the game plan and now I’m much more versatile this year compared to last year.” Fife went on to say “I knew Alfonso could run, no question there, but when I found out how well he could catch, wow! He’s becoming a Reggie Bush right before our eyes!” Kentucky extended its streak of not using a punter in an entire game to five. The cats have yet to use a new punter since the graduation of golden toed Tim Masthay.

Injury Update

Kyrus Lanxter is out for the next 3 weeks due to a severe hip bruise. Redshirt Freshman Randall Cobb will fill the slot of injured Lanxter. "Randall came in and made excellent catches against Vandy and Florida," said Fife. "I'm excited to see what else he can do." All of other Cats will be dressed and active for the next game.

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