Tuesday, December 01, 2009

With Funding cut, COBRA Scrambles for aid

In a move that stunned the political world and echoed throughout the steel chambers of the Terror Drome, the U.S. government covertly decided to cut funding for COBRA.

The move means COBRA soldiers and their families will no longer receive government-subsidized health care and also challenges the notion that the Obama administration is soft on terrorism.

"Assurances were made that this would not happen," COBRA mastermind Cobra Commander hissed over a "secret" media-link he often uses to override the global communications network.

"There were agreements made that COBRA's soldiers would be taken care of," he lamented, citing a secret agreement signed in the early days of the administration. "Unlike many around the world, COBRA saw the global financial crisis on the horizon and took aggressive measures to lessen its impact on COBRA operations."

"I had to bring back this," the hooded leader said, pointing at the blue cloth draped over his head, "because I sold my battlesuit for that movie adaptation of my life. You know what that gave us? Accelerator suits!"

It appears COBRA can truly be blamed for many of the world's tragedies, indeed.

Certain branches of the self-proclaimed "ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world" are not affected by the government's funding cut.

In a message emailed to media outlets, world-renowned weapons dealer Destro announced that Iron Grenadiers and employees of his M.A.R.S. research division would not lose their health insurance benefits.

"My division has positioned itself well in the face of this global economic crisis and the U.S. government's stubborn refusal to come up with anything resembling a working, beneficial health care system," Destro wrote. "Using money earned from various contracts across the world, we at M.A.R.S. have provided our workers with the top-notch Total Control Plan package that includes a 401(k) with company matching, stock options, and paid vacation and sick leave in addition to our industry-leading health, dental, and vision plans."

"Unlike some other corporations," he continued via email, "M.A.R.S. has not spent ridiculous amounts of money pursuing big-ticket items that promise to move matter via molecular relocation, control the weather, or blanket the earth in total darkness to subvert electronics on a global scale."

Emails asking whether Destro was referring specifically to the COBRA-funded projects his company is thought to have manufactured on contract were not returned.

In addition, media outlets could not get an official response from long-time COBRA financier Extensive Enterprises despite repeated calls and emails.

While the scope of cuts at COBRA remains unknown, Cobra Commander did issue the following letter, printed below in its entirety:Hector Ramirez and Leonard Michaels contributed to this report

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